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Simon
Advanced Member
Belgium
5,001 posts
Joined: Dec, 2001
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 Posted - 2003/09/11 : 08:33:27
Well, there's been a few wierd topics around here lately, and seeing as you all know I'm beyond help wierd!  .
I thought I'd actually give show you some very good advice.  .
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked Back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a
FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It
is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
.
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Everything is random, your probebly not meant to read this!!!!!!
You Turn & Face The Strange..............You Turn & Face Yourself!!!
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Underloop
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
3,895 posts
Joined: Mar, 2002
91 hardcore releases
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Posted - 2003/09/11 : 09:06:41
Thank you for the advice Simon, I must confess I have always been unaware of said Bathroom etiquette, but now I feel I can take a dump safe in the knowledge that I am adhering to the proper rules of conduct
Matthew aka DJ Underloop
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we grow old because we stop playing."
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Oli G
Advanced Member
United States
1,817 posts
Joined: Oct, 2001
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Posted - 2003/09/11 : 10:52:03
hahahah
genius :D
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CAM003 - CAM004 - CAMLTD001 - CAMFTH001 - CAM005 Due Shortly
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DJ Mouse
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
2,687 posts
Joined: Jul, 2001
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Posted - 2003/09/11 : 13:33:19
since we're on the subject
How to poo like a woman and a man
15 Easy Steps to Poo like a Woman:
1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own,regardless of any stomach pain may be caused whilst waiting to get home.
2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by your boyfriend/husband. Also wipe his pubic hair off the seat with some toilet paper.
3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.
4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).
5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash-back.
6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat over the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.
7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.
8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with any faeces.
9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per roll).
10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the paper.
11.Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sport.
12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.
13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.
14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.
15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband
and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.
15 Easy Steps to Poo like a Man:
---------------------------------------------
1. Select reading material
2. Tell everyone along the way, ?Just going for a dump, okay?? Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.
5. Open reading material and relax.
6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first b o m b. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.
9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of any irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts, etc. You must tell people about it.
10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the pan.
11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.
12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the loo.
13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor(you can use it again later).
14. Wash your hands once.
15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
--------------------------------------------------
"I had 2 half-brothers and they both died, so Mummy took the chainsaw off me"
DJ Mouse
http://hardcorehq.tk
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mr_dom_uk
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
500 posts
Joined: Jun, 2003
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Posted - 2003/09/11 : 15:06:26
nice 1 mate
Hardcore Will Never Die !!!!
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BAD_WES
Senior Member
United States
326 posts
Joined: Oct, 2002
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Posted - 2003/09/11 : 17:00:06
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Both of those are extremely funnny. I printed them out and put them in the the bathroom in my loby of my dorm.
When I post, i shoud really be sleeping.
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Dave Murray
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
3,675 posts
Joined: Jan, 2003
136 hardcore releases
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Posted - 2003/09/11 : 17:18:33
****ing genious 
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www.hardcorerush.com
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Leelo1
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
825 posts
Joined: Jan, 2003
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Posted - 2003/09/11 : 17:40:16
this is really usefull just incase i really need a shi*
cheers
DO NOT DISTURB DJ IN PROGRESS
Leelo_1
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Dont tell mom am double dropping
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DJ Mouse
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
2,687 posts
Joined: Jul, 2001
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Posted - 2003/09/11 : 18:31:03
but wait there's more, kinda old now but still funny
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!
--------------------------------------------------
"I had 2 half-brothers and they both died, so Mummy took the chainsaw off me"
DJ Mouse
http://hardcorehq.tk
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K-Hole
Advanced Member
United Kingdom
1,098 posts
Joined: Mar, 2003
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Posted - 2003/09/11 : 19:39:42
Har @ this topic......
-----------------
Chris aka Ghost
i'll be raving at-
United Dance-sept 27th
Enigma-nov 15th
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BAD_WES
Senior Member
United States
326 posts
Joined: Oct, 2002
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Posted - 2003/09/11 : 19:44:03
I think mouse spends to much time thinking about poop.
When I post, i shoud really be sleeping.
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Xenochrome
Advanced Member
United States
2,645 posts
Joined: Aug, 2002
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Posted - 2003/09/11 : 20:47:36
Ahhh...Another informative and insightful topic here at HHC.com.
I come for the music, but I stay for the intelligent conversation.
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silver
Admin
Japan
12,579 posts
Joined: Feb, 2001
894 hardcore releases
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Posted - 2003/09/11 : 23:07:43
Hmmm I think everyone can related to this... problem is for me someone else in my building seems to think that our levels toilet is a SAFE HAVEN, which it is certainly not! Perhaps I should become a TURD BURGLAR or a UNCLE TED with extra noise so he gets the idea that this area is no longer safe :)
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Tricky AB
Senior Member
Canada
398 posts
Joined: Jan, 2003
78 hardcore releases
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Posted - 2003/09/11 : 23:18:20
HAHA this topic is GOLD!!!
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mason
New Member
Australia
24 posts
Joined: Sep, 2003
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Posted - 2003/09/12 : 03:08:21
nice i can see this topics goin to get flushed 
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Weird Fish
Senior Member
Aruba
437 posts
Joined: Apr, 2002
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Posted - 2003/09/12 : 04:24:12
quote:
Originally posted by DJ Mouse:
How to poo like a woman and a man
15 Easy Steps to Poo like a Woman:
...........
5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash-back.
....
I actually used to do this when I lived in the Netherlands where I had to share the toilet with 16 other ppl. And the toilet was in the hall.
And I did get the advice from a girl...I used to think it was the most genius thing ever, but its not...you'll spend more money on toilet paper and this increases the demand on toilet paper, which lead the companies to cut down more trees, which again leads to less oxygen to breath...and I dont wanna die sofocated!
_ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ___
I was 41,47727272727273 % insane last year,
now I'm 51.70454545454546 %insane
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